*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren鈥檛 nearly as fortunate.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn鈥檛 have been any younger
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I only compete with myself because I鈥檓 hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You鈥pin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh鈥ake honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm鈥at marbles
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
If I鈥檝e learned anything from this year, it鈥檚 that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
When you鈥檙e cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalape帽o for me.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don鈥檛 want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren鈥檛 we all, haha, I鈥檒l just try to go about my business, okay no she鈥檚 definitely biting me