*pokes sex life with a stick
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.