Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time