Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“HELP WITH CAT”
The Weeknd is back
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?