“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
at ease…shoulder.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting