Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Google assistant rules
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.