Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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estão todos miauvindo?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.