I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I’d … I’d rather not.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I get distracted pretty eas
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.