ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Lol.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork