Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]