Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
You Might Also Like
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
He wanted to make sure😂
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him