My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m aging like a fine banana
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.