This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.