kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
You Might Also Like
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
No, he would not have.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.