People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
best first i’ve ever seen
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.