Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
decorating my apartment
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid