The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.