Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Rambo Rambow
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats