On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
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WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?