interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi