I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Rt to bother an English speaker
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*