Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
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Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
OMG 🤣🤣
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious