*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
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[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
May have had one breakfast too many
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT