Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
omg leave her alone
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.