Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
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I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs