Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
sugar glider wrangler