Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
OMG 🤣🤣
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR