Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed