Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Only a mother’s love …
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“I’m helping” 😅
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.