I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
fly smarter, not harder
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
no one ever comes back
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are