An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Jupiter
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.