Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
You Might Also Like
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
the best thing i’ve ever made