A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Just me?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans