“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
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ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.