Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked