An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
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Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
😅😅😅
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.