When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I created you as mosquito food.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
that colleague who touches your screen
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun