God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.