A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
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When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Never ghost your hitman.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?