Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”