I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
THIS HEADLINE
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
The Struggle
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-