When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
You Might Also Like
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
spicy snake
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.