Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.