The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Natty or not?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.