Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
You Might Also Like
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.