My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*