I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Yep.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.