I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
why isn’t he texting back
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*