a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
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Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
one last job
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep