Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
You Might Also Like
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button